Imagine this: Your partner is hitting all the right spots, and just as you’re about to climax, they suddenly stop, leaving you yearning for more. This is no accident-it’s a practice known as orgasm denial.
This technique involves bringing yourself or your partner to the brink of orgasm and then pulling back before climaxing, explains Stefani Goerlich, LCSW, CST, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and kink expert. It often involves a power exchange dynamic common in BDSM, where a dominant partner may use it as a form of punishment or teasing, says Gloria Brame, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and sexologist.
Orgasm denial can also be a deliberate choice not to climax in certain situations or at all, particularly in a dominant/submissive relationship, where the submissive may only orgasm with permission from the dominant. The aim is to heighten intimacy and desire, as building sexual tension can lead to a more intense orgasm, according to Brame. While similar to edging, orgasm denial involves a distinct lack of permission to climax.
With edging, climax is delayed to prolong the experience, says Carol Queen, PhD, a sexologist and educator. However, in orgasm denial, the dominant partner may prevent the submissive from climaxing for extended periods, affecting how the body responds.
Orgasm denial can intensify sexual experiences and the potential orgasm itself. Sex experts provide several reasons to try this power play technique:
Think back to when your vibrator died just before climaxing, leaving you sexually frustrated. That level of anticipation is what orgasm denial can evoke, says Brame. By arousing your partner and withholding relief, their desire intensifies over time. They may experience increased lubrication and heightened sensitivity, making future encounters more gratifying.
Originating from tantric sexuality, orgasm denial teaches how to extend passion and maintain excitement. After orgasm, many people feel less aroused, but by edging and allowing the body to calm down before resuming, greater endurance and longer-lasting sexual experiences can be achieved, says Goerlich.
Prolonging the build-up to orgasm can enhance its intensity, explains Queen. Our bodies can become accustomed to sensations, making them dull over time, says Goerlich. Taking breaks from orgasming can increase intensity when climax finally occurs.
Orgasm denial isn’t limited to pulling away during penetration or oral sex. It can be practiced solo or enhanced with gadgets. Here are some forms worth trying:
Teasing during partnered play is a simple entry point into orgasm denial. It involves bringing your partner to the brink of orgasm and then withdrawing, says Queen. In a Dominant/submissive relationship, the dominant may instruct the submissive not to climax.
You can also practice orgasm denial during masturbation. Pleasure yourself and stop just before climaxing. In a D/s relationship, the submissive may be under the dominant’s control during solo sessions, says Queen. The dominant might instruct the submissive to edge without climaxing as a form of “funishment,” explains Goerlich.
Chastity devices, like cock cages, can intensify play, especially during extended denial periods. In a dominant/submissive scene, the dominant may decide when the device is removed, says Queen. In a 24/7 D/s relationship, the submissive might wear a chastity device long-term, only enjoying pleasure when released by the dominant, says Goerlich.
Curious about trying orgasm denial? Here’s how to introduce this kink into the bedroom:
Discuss it when you’re not in bed, advises Goerlich. Initiate the conversation by expressing your interest and what appeals to you about orgasm denial. Find common ground on teasing, chastity devices, and the duration of denial.
Familiarize yourself with BDSM and power dynamics, suggests Queen. Consider taking a class to understand these roles better.
Negotiate boundaries before engaging in any kink or power play, says Brame. Discuss limits and choose a safeword for communication if things become overwhelming.
Start slowly, experimenting with short denial periods before climaxing, says Goerlich. Consider using a countdown method to signal when orgasm is allowed, suggests Queen.
Try teasing with a vibrator before investing in advanced toys. If separated for a trip, agree not to climax during the time apart, advises Goerlich. This can elevate the homecoming experience.
After denial, engage in aftercare, especially if exploring power play. Aftercare helps partners transition back to normal roles and establish care and intimacy, says Queen. Prepare for potential “sub drop” by having comfort items ready, suggests Goerlich. Check in with each other after the experience to discuss what worked and what could be improved.
Meet the Experts: Gloria Brame, PhD, is a certified sexologist and BDSM expert. Stefani Goerlich, PhD, CST, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist. Carol Queen, PhD, is a sex-positive activist and educator.