Meet Ali Eaves, the new relationship expert at Men’s Health, ready to tackle your questions about love, sex, and relationships.
Question from David in Boston, MA
My fiancé is unsure about taking my last name. Should this concern me?
Answer
It’s understandable that this is important to you-it’s about tradition, commitment, and avoiding confusion for your future child’s teacher. If my husband had skipped a marital tradition significant to me, like wearing a wedding ring, I would question his dedication.
However, unless you’ve experienced it, it’s hard to grasp how strange it feels to change your name. Try this: sign your first name with a random last name, like Garrison or Zimmerman. Did it take a moment to remember how to write a cursive G or Z?
This was my experience when I got married. It took a scribbled signature resembling a wild animal’s scratch to realize how much my name meant to me. It connects me to my family, my career, and even my CVS account. It’s so ingrained that I often forget to use my husband’s name at restaurants.
And that’s not even considering the “bride-as-property” connotation that many women associate with the tradition.
So I hesitated. I discussed it with my husband, who admitted he wanted me to take his name, mainly for our future children.
This leads to a question every man in this situation should consider: If sharing a last name is crucial, would he take hers? You likely have practical reasons against it. But remember, her hesitation isn’t about her commitment to you.
Many couples find a compromise, such as using her maiden name professionally and yours personally. Understanding her perspective and respecting her decision will help you both move forward.
If she decides to take your name, offer to assist with the extensive paperwork (social security, DMV, passport, debit and credit cards) and compliment her every time she uses your name at a restaurant.