Welcome to Ella and the City-a new column by Ella Snyder exploring the experiences of dating as a trans person in New York City today. This story is part of a Cosmopolitan series celebrating the resilience, wisdom, hope, and joy of the trans community as its members navigate romantic love, sharing insights through interviews and personal essays.
Early Experiences with Anxiety
My first encounter with anxiety was in seventh grade, back in 2011, during my first year as Ella. Starting at a new school with a new identity was both thrilling and frightening. I faced bullying that still lingers in my memory-my phone was stolen, and I received online threats. My anxiety manifested as constant stomachaches, and while it has improved over the years, it remains a part of my life.
Struggling with Anxiety and Dating
At 26, single, and often too anxious to leave my apartment, dating has been challenging. The trans community faces constant threats, making me wary of interactions. The pandemic and subsequent political climate only heightened my fears, leading to agoraphobia. I often need a “safe person” to help me manage daily tasks.
With therapy, medication, and exposure therapy, I’ve regained some independence. I can now leave the house, work, and socialize without overwhelming anxiety. However, my dating life has suffered. The political climate makes dating daunting, and the fear of negative reactions to my trans identity adds to the challenge.
Finding a New Perspective
Amidst my anxiety, I questioned my ability to find love. I scrutinized potential matches online to avoid danger, which led me to wonder if I was truly seeking a connection. Then, I met Sebastian on Instagram. His intriguing personality inspired me to push past my fears and attempt dating again.
After several rescheduled plans, we arranged a casual walk in my neighborhood. When he postponed again, I assumed the worst, thinking I was being ghosted. However, he eventually explained his absence, though we never met. Despite this, the experience sparked a change in me.
Embracing the Dating World
The potential date with Sebastian motivated me to continue seeking connections. Now, I’m more intentional with my dating app interactions, ensuring my trans identity is clear on my profiles. I’ve started going on dates, focusing on being present and managing my anxiety with techniques learned in therapy.
Though pre-date nerves persist, I’m committed to new experiences and potential connections. I recognize that isolating myself only limits my opportunities for love. I choose to face discomfort and embrace the possibility of finding love.
Name has been changed.
For resources specific to the trans community, click here.